TW : Trauma // Suicide.
If you are reading this – thank you! It took me a lot to get myself to actually talk about this. 2021 has been rough on me. The first three months of the year was a complete nightmare for me.
Just to give an idea:
•I lost a relationship which felt ‘right’
•I lost my job
•I lost very close friends
•I came in touch with my sexual abuser, who is still NOT behind bars.
•I lost a lot of money
All of this took place within 8 Days. 8 Days Only.
What I lost more, was my mental health. I have had anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. I hated how I looked; I hated how I was as a human being. I stopped eating properly; My attachment issues got worse; I broke down even during my CU exams; Sometimes, I would just sit quietly on the floor – completely numb – questioning why I was going through all of it. And then a day came when I attempted suicide. Not my proudest moment.
I always spoke of asking for help and talking about problems – but during the past 10 months I realised how easily it is said than done. I could feel my tears blocking my voice from talking about how hurt I was. It took me a long time to open up. Honestly, I’m blessed with the friends and family I’ve. Without them, I’d have been dead. The process of healing has been so hurtful. The whole of 2021, I’ve been building myself from scratch.
I’m still healing from everything. But here’s my progress so far:
• I have been accepting my situation, and learning from my mistakes.
• I have eliminated people, who have pulled me down – intentionally/unintentionally.
• I do not have anxiety attacks as frequently.
• I LOVE my body and how I look now.
• I have reconnected with God.
• I have been seeking therapy.
• I have learnt that even the worst day lasts for 24 hours only. The pain isn’t forever.
If you’re still reading – THANK YOU. I hope my story has inspired you to reach out to that one friend or relative, who seems to have disappeared. I hope, you personally are doing well. And I genuinely pray no one ever lives the nightmare that I’ve been through. ‘Loving yourself’ and choosing to ‘be happy’ can conquer ANY thing that’s bothering you.
I know escaping might seem to be the best way out, but it isn’t. Please do not give in to negativity, I know you might be surrounded by it a lot. Please do not hurt yourself. It is painful, but one day you will stop feeling it. I can guarantee you that. Write, cry, speak, scream – communicate. No issue is petty, no issue is ‘whatever’. If it bothers you enough to stay on your mind for more than an hour – communicate about it. It doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to open up. It gets better, I promise you.
Just please don’t give up.